Mon, 04 May 2009

"Birth Month" on Facebook

As I turned 32 this year (or 0x20 in hexadecimal), I decided I wanted to emphasize this occurrence on Facebook by updating my status daily, each time with an absurdly grandiose (or sometimes just absurd) status update. And now I'd like to post them here as an archive, and because I need to put something on my blog.

It was surprisingly annoying having to come up with new and strange updates every day. I missed a few - one for laziness, one or two for sickness - and ripped off the Simpsons and other favourite joke sources here and there as well, though as far as I can tell a fair number of these are original. As well, it's pretty clear I ran out of gas near the end.

Some of the comments I got were encouraging. Some people just appreciated the random jokes, but my favourite comment by far was "I get a sense of how it must be to live in North Korea".

Mar 29: Andrew Chang says birth month celebrations commence next week. Please clear your calendars.

Mar 30: Andrew Chang says birth month celebrations commence this Wednesday. Counting down: 2 more days...

Mar 31: Andrew Chang says birth month celebrations commence this Wednesday. Counting down: 1 more day. This is not a drill, repeat, this is not a drill.

Apr 1: Andrew Chang says birth month celebrations commence today. This is not a drill, repeat, this is not a drill. The parade is expected to commence at dawn and continue all day. Harmonizing during the singing is encouraged.

Apr 1: In light of the snow, birth-month parade participants are asked to march in double, triple, or quadruple time in order to stay warm. Hats are still not allowed. That is all,

Apr 2: Today, birth month celebrations include gladiatorial fights at the center of the VPL. You'll pay for the whole seat but you'll only need the edge!

Apr 3: Today, birth month celebrations include fishing and fish eating contests. Sign up down by the river.

Apr 4: Birth month celebrations at low ebb today: thinking about Andrew's birth is only required for 13 hours of the day.

Apr 6: Birth month celebration assignment: all citizens are required to compose an original song and give a solo performance, preferably while accompanying themselves on as many instruments as possible. Booing is strictly prohibited, unless you really want to.

Apr 7: Birth month celebrations - today everyone should twirl. We recommend alternating directions so you don't get too dizzy. You'll get two minute breaks every four hours.

Apr 8: Today for birth month celebrations, you'll be eating bagels. All day. It's kind of a conceptual art thing. We recommend you pace yourselves, and stretch your jaw muscles occasionally. You are also required to state out loud various toppings you would like to be eating with your bagels in between each bite. No actual toppings will be provided or allowed, of course.

Apr 9: Birth month celebrations continue. Party downtown; free entry with donation of 20 lbs of broken glass. Please ensure blood, if any, has been cleaned off first. Thank you.

Apr 10: Birth month party on a yacht in Trout Lake. Potential party crashers take note: there have been multiple crocodile sightings there... Probably because we recently imported a bunch of crocodiles for this purpose.

Apr 11: It has come to our attention that performing "Happy Birthday" requires paying royalties to the copyright holders. Therefore, for all future birth month celebrations, please merely mentally sing it. In unison. Your cooperation is appreciated,

Apr 12: Today's scheduled birth month celebrations include mowing the lawn, washing the dishes, and taking out the trash. Wait, no, those are just chores.

Apr 13: Today's scheduled birth month celebrations all involve bears in little cars. (Because really, who doesn't love the ballet?)

Apr 14: Note: for tomorrow's birth month celebrations, all traffic lights have been rewired to blink out various birthday wishes all day. This may result in some traffic-related inconveniences.

Apr 15: [in comments to a 'sick' status update:] Also, there will be no birth month updates for today. Citizens are asked to sit quietly in the dark, shades drawn. Blinking is permitted.

Apr 16: Yesterday's required birth month celebrations were to march in place for two hours, turning 90 degrees every half hour. Please have done so.

Apr 17: Today's birth month celebrations: you'll all be eating cake. And by 'cake', we mean 'a miles-long ditch', and by 'eating', I mean 'digging'.

Apr 18: Saturday's birth month special event is pinata smashing! For extra fun, this year's pinatas have been made out of steel, reinforced concrete, and kevlar. In fact, the materials cost so much we had to skip actually putting any candy in them. Therefore, please bring your own candy.

Apr 19: Today's birth month event celebrates Andrew's actual birth day. Due to long lines, pilgrimages to Grace Hospital are discouraged. Instead, we recommend you visit your nearest hospital and just pretend it's the one Andrew was born in.

Apr 20: Birth month celebrations continue all day with performances of Hamlet, Twelfth Night, and Macbeth, all translated from English to C++. Stragglers will be pepper-sprayed. We're sorry, but the law's the law.

Apr 21: For birth month celebrations, all flights in and out of the city have been grounded. This is not because of a fuel shortage. Please report anyone spreading such rumours to your nearest friendly Government Buddy. Also, home heating has also been cancelled... for birth month. Yeah, that's it.

Apr 22: Flags have been distributed for birth month celebrations. As Wednesday is not forecast to be windy, all citizens are required to stand outside and blow at their assigned flags.

Apr 23: The birth month pinatas have been replaced with chandeliers. Breaking the chandeliers is strongly discouraged, even if you like the sound of shattering glass and electrical fires.

Apr 24: The birth month celebratory jetpack lottery has concluded. The winners in alphabetical order are: me. I'll be sure to wave.

Apr 25: Hair dye has been distributed for birth month celebrations. Please be as creative as you like; we'll be requiring everyone to shave their heads in a week anyways.

Apr 27: For birth month celebrations, a 4 hour macroeconomics lecture has been scheduled. There will be a test afterwards.

Apr 28: Bonfires all day for birth month celebrations. Please remember, exploding marshmallows have been recalled.

Apr 29: For birth month, "April" will soon be renamed. Suggestions for the new name may be made in person to your nearest Friendly Government Buddy. The winner, if any, will receive a day's supply of macaroni salad. The losers will receive a week's supply of macaroni salad. At least.

edited to add the last update

Apr 30: Birth month comes to a successful conclusion. The mandatory "I participated in Andrew's birth month celebrations" tattoos will now be offered in three different colours. (That doesn't mean you have a choice between three colours, only that this year's tattoo has three colours.)